We have called Evan our Rainbow Baby for sometime now, because we were not planning on having another baby right after we lost Will, but we didn't get to make that choice. God and Big Brother Will had a conversation about what we needed in our lives and that was Evan. A Rainbow Baby is a baby that brings you God's promise of blessings from the storm. The storm isn't over, but you can start to see the light and the goodness that can come from the storm. These are the special children sent to families after the loss of a child.
I think that I spent most of Evan's pregnancy in a blur. I was after all mourning the loss of Will and on top of that being so sick barely a year after I had delivered Will again, I think that most of my memories are just void during that time.
What I didn't forget about that time was the nauseous feeling that takes over my body when I am pregnant. It is a really hard feeling to forget. It starts the day I become pregnant and doesn't leave until the baby has been evacuated from me!
People often asked in the 3 years after we had Evan, if and when we would have more children. It often depended on the day as to what my answer was to that question. I honestly didn't know how I felt and what I wanted. I did know that God had a plan and I was ready for whatever he deemed as the next adventure for my family.
I told people that I was torn. I know every child is different and parents always wonder if they have enough love to love more than one child and how additional children change the dynamic of their family, but I had had a wonderful, beautiful child who was called home to the Lord way to soon and a very special angel sent to me from Heaven to pull me out of a darkness that was unbearable. How would I just plan on another child and have just a "normal" addition to the family. We don't do normal well around here, if you haven't figured that out.
Well I was still torn, but I wasn't getting any younger and neither was Evan and I knew how much I love having siblings and so does Jason and we couldn't bare Evan not to have that experience on this Earth since he wouldn't have the opportunity to meet his brother until he is one day called home to the Lord, which we pray is a very long time away. So we decided not to necessarily "try", but to quit "not trying". It didn't take but about a month after we made this decision for God to again bless us with another positive pregnancy test.
I knew I was pregnant before I ever went and bought the test. Again, the sickness feeling is unmistakable! Jason had gone out of town for the day with his dad and I had met some friends for dinner. On the way home, I drug Evan with me into our local Walgreen's and bought the test. It turned positive much quicker than I expected since I wasn't even late yet. I couldn't even wait for Jason to get back home that night, I called him and asked if he was ready to do this all over again. For us, pregnancy is a dreaded, terrifying stream of doctors appointments where you hold your breath that someone is going to tell you that your greatest fears have come true again and you will have another child with an illness. There is no joy in the process for us.
I scheduled my doctor's appointment to confirm what I already knew. The doctor didn't let on at that time that he noticed anything of concern. Probably because he knew the above that me and Jason don't enjoy these processes and he didn't want to bring any unneeded worry to our lives.
It wasn't a few days after that appointment that I started spotting and I was feeling 10 times worse than I was even use to feeling while pregnant. I had another appointment scheduled soon, so I thought about brushing it off, but the doctor told me to come on in. I knew something was "wrong". I told Jason just to stay at work, it was so early in the pregnancy and the only thing that I could think that would be causing this much of a different feeling was to have lost the baby. So off I went to the doctor, my first OB appointment ever to go to by myself. I went in to the ultrasound room, a room I was all too familiar with as it was the same room we had first learned of Will's problems. I sat there knowing the face of the tech and that something on the screen wasn't "normal". When the doctor walked in, I just started crying and said, "I lost the baby, didn't I?" He looked at me and all but laughed at me and said, "Not quite..." In that split moment my mind was swirling, what is he even talking about...then he turned the screen to me and said, you feel like this because...well, there are two in there...you are having TWINS!!! I said, "WHAT?!?!?! You can't tell me something like that when Jason isn't here with me!!!"
I waited until I was in the car to call Jason. Still unsure how to tell him this over the phone, but sure that I wasn't going to wait until he came home. I sat in my Jetta and laughed. Called him and said, "well we have to sell my car....the Jetta isn't going to work anymore...". He was confused, much like I had been just moments ago. I let him know that I had not miscarried but in fact we were having 2 babies!! He was excited from the moment that he heard the news!
Remember I said we don't do normal well. I had struggled for many years on how to just have a "normal pregnancy" with a "planned child", and God had heard my struggles and again told me to just trust in Him. He knows what is best for me and my family and He is in control. So with that, we were yet again not going to have that "normal pregnancy" and instead of a planned child, God sent us two beautiful gifts to fill our home! Blessed times two!
