Discovery

One of the most exciting days during a pregnancy is the 20 week ultrasound. The first time your baby looks like a real baby, the day you can find out the sex of the baby, if you so choose. It is a thrilling day, especially for first time parents. Around here, we don't like that day, and probably never will again.

It was even sweeter that it fell only 3 days before my birthday. What a birthday gift, I thought. We go in with a young, wide-eyed innocence that was left in the room that day, never to return.

Not long into the ultrasound, we start noticing the change in the tone of the lady doing the ultrasound, the turning of the screen, the whispered talks between her and the doctor. When she left the room for the doctor to talk to us alone, the feeling was this just couldn't be normal.

The doctor tells us that the baby is measuring small, but that their equipment is not as advanced as a specialist would be, so before they make any guesses they want to send us to a specialist...this was a Thursday, our appointment with the specialist wasn't until Monday! We were able to make a tape and find out we were having a boy, but everything became foggy.

We had already invited all of our family over to show the video and reveal the sex. We didn't have the heart to cancel, after all we didn't really even know anything ourselves at this point. So here came our parents, siblings, grandparents all packed into our living room. We showed the video and everyone screamed and got all excited, but we were distant. Barely in the room. We pulled our parents aside as everyone was leaving and you could see in their faces a fear that I don't think I will ever forget.

We told them the doctor had found some discrepancies in measurements and that we didn't know much more than that until Monday, but please pray. They couldn't believe that we had waited so long to say something as everyone had been in our home celebrating all evening, now after everything, I don't think it surprises anyone that we keep a lot to ourselves to not worry others.

So that next day, I go to work greeted by decorations covering my office as they were all so excited to hear that we were having a boy. Remember my birthday was that weekend, so Saturday, we had plans with all of our friends, and still really said nothing much about the unknown that lie ahead for us. The fear that was eating us up inside.

Monday morning couldn't come fast enough. We sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever. When we finally went back, I just kept shaking. The room was so dimly lit. It was like the light couldn't even find a way into this room with us.

In came the specialist and another ultrasound began. A process that became so routine over the next 4 months that I barely even had an ultrasound with our second child.

The look in her eyes was different than our doctors office. Our doctor and ultrasound tech loved us, they had a compassion for what they were about to break to us. This specialist was cold, but she tried to act like she wanted to be your friend. She talked like what she was saying was normal or easy to swallow.

The words out of her mouth were harsh. I know she probably justified it as "the truth" or "what we needed to hear", but I don't wish that experience on anyone ever.

She started telling us about how it wasn't too late to terminate in several states, if we wanted her to start arranging a trip to Ohio or Georgia. A trip??? What was this person saying to me??? Did she think that I was ready to say goodbye to my child?? I was so insulted in that moment. I wanted out of there worse than I have ever wanted out of any room in my life. My body was one given to me by God and a child was a gift from God and I refused to end this child's life one second before the Lord Almighty said his life was over. I was told I was only hurting my own body, that I was a human incubator and as soon as my son was out of this incubator, he wouldn't survive. I was a very sick pregnant person and this person is sitting here telling me that I am enduring it all for nothing. I couldn't accept that anything we go through in life is for nothing.

He was diagnosed that day, but it was not even with the disease he was born with. We walked out that day vowing to never see that woman again. We did end up back at that office one more time a few days before Will was born, but we started going to another two specialist outside of this practice for the rest of the pregnancy. Together we sat at every appointment. Jason never looked at an ultrasound screen again.

We went home a buried our head in the sand. We literally crawled in bed and didn't get out for a week. Our parents eventually came over to make sure we at least ate, but we didn't even turn on lights. We had no idea how to proceed through the next 4 months, if we were even going to be blessed to have a full pregnancy. How could this be happening to us? How could this be true? Would we ever quit crying? What would we say to everyone? How would we handle that look that everyone was going to give us?

Very few people besides immediate family and co-workers saw us for the next two months. We had no plan of changing that, but God knew we needed help. We needed to get up. That we were stronger than we were giving ourselves credit for. That there was a purpose for Will's life and it wasn't to be kept secret inside our quiet little corner of the world. We learned these lessons in a very real way. Almost two months to the day from the diagnosis and two months before his arrival on this Earth, the rain began falling and it didn't stop where it was supposed to....it stopped with 6 feet of water in our house at some places.....but that is where I will start next time....